My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

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...that the "fiasco" which was actually my depression stung by a lost cellphone has ended...

...that my supervisors has finally made peace with me after all the ruckus that has been dealt (my meet prior to my return to work was actually a good one and that changed the perception of one of my supervisors which she bluntly expressed during the meet...

...that the suspicion or ill-feel between me and that company I'm into right now has ben gone with my recovery, further hastened last Thursday...

...that hopefully things will turn out A-OK as I formally report back to the starting line tomorrow night (whew it's back to reality time)...

...that the interview I had earlier will turn to greater things, eventually leading to better heights perhaps...

...and I do hope that with this happy ending to this chapter of insanity, things will fall into place again.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

Gosh since my last post in this blog, I have yet to report back to work, primarily because I was away from the nerve center since my counsel advised me to rest first since last weekend I still have ill feeling toward the company and

And remember, after my Friday Net session, I submitted my resignation letter but my sup rejected it. Eventually, during my convalesencde where I was in an undisclosed location (and eventually earning 2 Awol or NCNS -- in our office -- slots), I thought it over that to resign is unwise as of this point since I have no buffer job yet (in other words mag-apply ka muna at siguraduhin na me malilipatan). So when our TM called me Thursday night (2.5 hours before the tremor and while I was watching that rerun of the Manila leg of The Amazing Race, I told him that I will retract it for the time being (but little do they know that I will still proceed with the resignation pending the outcome of my impromptu interview this afternoon brought about by an application submitted through JobsDB). But this has, like, caused some sort of damage in my professional end -- I will be starting from square one when I return to my supervisor tomorrow so I could talk to her and our head TM (lagi na lang yang pangako na nabibitin ha).

Nah. I'm not thinking that I have regressed into an Antonio Diaz (that Zambales confgressman who publicly "resigned" last week only to retract his resignation at the folly of his fellow Lower House members), but I know I have my reasons as to why I have decided not to push through with it as of this moment.

Because of this period to which this depression lasted (hindi naman kasi madali na matakasan yan eh, pero good thing me mga umunawa rin sa akin), I wasn't able to update all my blog sites. But now, I'm back to the world of the SANE and the LIVING (porke nakabili na kasi ng bago eh) so I can clearly express my thoughts once again.

And hopefully my depression will wane faster. Sobrang good luck talaga sa akin.

And I hope I get this buffer job for now so I could decide which route to go.

After 10 months and a week of being listed as an employee of my company, I have decided to finally close this chapter in my life which is now driving me nuts.

Goodbye, PeopleSupport. Goodbye, being a customer "care" agitator.

Not even the retention efforts of the PS people can change my mind of leaving, as the thoughts have already affected me and my well-being.

Just wanna post an excerpt of my love letter to the people concerned:

"Inasmuch as working for the (this section is snipped for security purposes) (first under Customer Service and now under Retention) was a rewarding experience, circumstances which were brought about by the recent cellphone theft incident in the 32/F sleeping quarters of the PS-Robinsons Summit facility last Sunday evening before my shift (September 4th) has affected me a lot and has impeded my capability to effectively render my services as a team member, as I am in a fit of depression due to what has happened until this very moment. I am fully aware that just because I did not come to work last Wednesday night (September 8th) due to this depression will merit me a warning of No-Call No-Show but I have decided that by this action of submitting this letter, it will at least avert future occurrences of the same, as I still see myself as unfit to render efficient service since I currently have a different viewpoint of the people within the company as of the moment and that I still feel traumatized by the same incident."

Now, hitherto?

I'm still feeling suicidal as of the moment. In fact I didn't show up for last night's work because what happened to me is still killing me till now. I don't know what to do at this point. Good thing my brother will be lending me some money to buy a phone, but I need it Asap.

I need someone to talk with right now.

Or it's better off for me to die, knowing that it's like half of me died when my phone was stolen (ang kapal mo, gago, alam ko na taga-PS ka rin, klepto).

I'M DESPERATE.

This post was actually taken from a very interesting article inadvertently saved in one of our company's public folders...and since I'm killing time due to less queued calls brought about by the US Labor Day holiday (buti pa sila...), lemme do the honors in sharing this thingy as well...


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To say the L word is suicide, or does it have to be?

A lot of us have undergone, and lots will still undergo, the agony in deciding whether or not to declare our undying affection to someone. But most of us just endure the torture of being silent and suppressing the truth. Why the choice? Telling the truth is not as virtuous as most religions would have wanted us to believe, if by virtuous we mean to say it is naturally and inherently good that is . Truth hurts. Reality bites. Haven't we heard enough? I guess we haven't, and we seem to have this addiction of dwelling in pain. How have we become so masochistic? Perhaps it is when religion implicitly taught us to equate virtue with pain and vice with pleasure.

We are human beings, and perhaps emotional pain, besides logic, is something that separates us from the rest of the kingdom animalia. Like what Agent Smith said in The Matrix, human beings couldn't handle sweet perfection (which was the original model of the Matrix world that later on failed) because we define our reality through suffering and misery, and anything less than that, anything remotely close to perfection, our sanity cannot manage. So inspite of our complaints, we feel that pain is a natural condition of life. But the tricky part that I recently learned is that no matter how much we, perhaps unwittingly, embrace suffering we'd rather choose to hurt ourselves than let others hurt us, even if the former is frequently more intoxicating and debilitating than the latter.

When we love, romantically speaking, we rarely choose to declare our love because we know doing so would make us vulnerable. It is wrong to open ourselves out to someone who could take our emotions away, just to wrestle with them only to later on throw them away. We'd rather choose to suffer in silence. Most of the time, this option is extremely melancholy, worse than the fear of rejection or deliberate deception, and it seems only natural that a person would prefer this option. Why? because it's personal, because self-inflicted pain is more acceptable than one that is externally inflicted. Why? because that's how we embrace life. Besides, misery should not seek company; misery should be taken care of without it.

I find the act of confessing our undying love similar to suicide, and I know a lot of people will agree with me on this. This is not because our honesty would necessarily cost us our dear lives, but more because of the idea of the act being irreversible. In suicide, if we succeed, we can't say, "whoops, I didn't mean to cut my wrist and loose a huge amount of blood", or cry "I'm sorry, I didn't know jumping off the 40th floor would crash my skull and make my brain splatter on the ground," or wail "Whoa, so walking in front of a very fast-moving vehicle would be fatal, I have to tell the others, I have to live." We can't shout apologies, and say sorry can we come back to life now? When we kill ourselves, we die. Confessing our love would be quite similar, although not as gory as it sounds.

Confession obviously uses words, and when words fly we cannot catch 'em. Once we say, "I love you," we really can't take it back by saying, "just kidding" or "gotcha, didn't I?" Well, we could say some can get away with it, and I have to agree only if the object of desire has an IQ of 60. The thing is, once we utter words of devotion, we just have to face the consequences, and most of the time, I have to say we are terrified of the consequences. Although the chances could go either way, I mean it could either cause our heart to jump for joy or for it to flounder in pain, we only rivet our attention on the latter possibility. The only way that we think we could avoid exacerbating the agony would be by convincing ourselves that our hearts will never jump for joy, otherwise we might get our hopes up and by doing so would only worsen our condition in case floundering in pain is the possibility that ensues. Defense mechanism my friends, that's what it is.

And in my case, there is that awful stage where I almost hope for the plausibility of him knowing how I feel about him, that maybe I don't have to confess and that I only have to affirm whatever assumption he has of me. That's when I hate him the most. I have the audacity to hope that he might discover it for himself. But whenever I think I am giving him the liberty to assume, it seems his density level goes beyond any scientific formula could ever compute.

I have to ask, why then should I let him in? Why should I share this suffering, this burden? Why should I utter the words "I love you", when this would mean I will end up joining those herds of romantic crooks who have misused and abused the phrase, they've trivialized it so much it no longer bears the meaning of pure and genuine affection. I'm too good for that, I won't give in. Between suffering in silence and losing my life in honesty, I would choose the safer one, I would rather keep my mouth sealed.

But what difference does it make, I still suffer, I still writhe in despair. In the end, I want something to hold on to. I want to be proven wrong, tell me to choose the other option.

Still in the state of shock after I lost my cellphone in the 32/F sleeping room of our office building. I must admit that I was kinda surprised, since until now I can't believe that I don't have a cellphone to use anymore (although I have a replacement Sim card thus keeping my curent number) and that I usually take pride in treating my cellphone as my "wife" (inasmuch as how, during my college days, my college buddy EJ Howard and classmate Bertrand would take pride in treating their cars as their "wives") and that the thing which I dread before, which is to lost contact with the outside world -- my e-friends -- has materialized too soon and the irony is, the theft happened within a supposed secure environment.

So I'm also complaining, why does this kind of thing (cellphone theft) has to happen within an office which is supposed to be secure like there are guards there? That jolted me into the realization that the office is no longer a safe place and it could be even worse than being robbed in a place such as Baclaran, Divisoria, Recto, or even Cubao (the traditional crime havens in the metro). Flashing back further, I remembered how I lost my Nokia 3310 cellphone while in transit in an ordinary bus as I was about to alight in the Baliwag Transit area in Cubao almost two years ago...as such, that was supposed to be a worse case of theft, but right now I'm feeling like what happened to me last Sunday is worse than what happened to me 2 years ago.

Another problem that I have as of this moment is where to get the funds so I could buy at least a second-hand (or a third-hand) phone so I could use it. I miss some of my friends as well as...hmmm, you know. But this might also be God's way of telling me that there is life beyond that, especially since some of my supervisors told their team members about that fate which befell me Sunday night. Hopefully my bro would at least be able to lend me some cash and then pay him if I get the salary loan or when the 13th month pay comes.

Needless to say, one of the stop-gap solutions that I have in mind is go ahead and apply for some internal job postings here in our company so I could have some incease in my earnings though.

Last Saturday, since I had some spare left off my money, I decided to go up the City of Pines and attend the F! (The Friendster Party) and at least be able to meet up with some new people there. Yes, indeed, since before that day came I contacted my textmate/friend Phoebe Jane and early evening as I arrived there I met her in SM City Baguio together with her friends Yam (her co-worker) and Yonida (their practicumer) -- they eventually became my companions in the party (the only thing that sucked was that I have to answer the treat at KFC and even the tix!) and in a short time we bonded na rin.

Although we did part earlier during the party as they have to head home, it was a blast meeting them as I swore to 'em that if I go back to the City of Pines next month, we'll be doing this type of gimmick again together with my friends this time who'll join me sana pumayag na sila at sana me pera pa ako nyan.)

Here are some of the shots with my friends up there -- especially Phoebe Jane, Yam and Yonida. Didn't know that those would be some of the last shots using my phone before that scum stole it inside the workplace.

(edit to insert pix)

After they left, I decided to kick some ass and met some few more people, especially Abe and his groupies (it was only Abe whom I asked to be added to his friendster profile) but they were a cool bunch of people. They, except his cousin, all study in Pines College (the people in that green nursing uniform) pero, and with the babes naman, we didn't get to speak often because of the noise since everyone was whoopin' it up to the music of Brown Flava, that Manila-based hip-hop band who could mimic international acts including Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. This would continue until the party was over at around 1:45 am.

(edit to insert pix)

Grabe, it really was a blast in the party, and definitely I won't forget it. Hopefully we'd have one here in The Big City though.

FUCK.

I just lost my cellphone inside my office. Particularly in our sleeping room.

It happened within 30 minutes from the time I last woke up while taking a nap while waiting for my shift, and I suddenly noticed na wala na sa tabi ko ang Nokia 3200 ko. It is suspected that someone who used the room took it, so i reported this immediately to the guard and the supervisor in detail. I will be reporting this matter to the admin department even if this would be some sort of an exercise in futility.

Kung sino ka man na gumawa nyan, wala kang puso.